So. I went to the College Republicans vs Democrats debate tonight, only thing is all it did was get me all fired up, and thinking, prolly too much. But then, maybe I don't think enough, but the thing is, it didn't only get me thinking about politics... I've gotten kinda cozy with my life, stuff just sorta happens, and it feels like I don't really do much about it. I'm fiestier than that... what is this all about? Why do I feel like lately all I do is go with the flow. I mean don't get me wrong, I still have my own values and beliefs and I like them and I know why I have them ect, this isn't quite that deep, but still. It's deep. Do I put up with too much? Do I speak out about not enough? In my persuit to be a good person and chill out a little, have I become a doormat to be ignored and invisible and taken for granted? Does anyone value my presence for ME anymore? Did they ever?... or am I just sarah, the one that just sorta blends in, the one thats nice to pick on when she does bother to stand her ground, or even better, does something stupid and is amusing to make fun of. Everybody laugh it off, it's me. I'll never change, I'll always be fun to make fun of and I'll always brush it off and try to be liked, and try to be me. Dorky, Silly, Careless, me. It bounces off right? It's just a joke... we were just kidding. Whatever. I'm tired of that. I don't want to be the one that doesn't realize when she's not welcome. I don't wanna be left out, but I don't want to be included because someone feels obligated or sorry for me. I don't want to be the one people run to because that's what they are used to doing. I don't want to be the one someone is with because they always have been. I WANT TO BE APPRECIATED FOR ME!! I don't want to be critisized, I don't want to be invited because of who I hang around, or not invited because of who I hang around. I DON'T WANT TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD ANYMORE! Why don't people listen more and talk less?? All talking does is screw shit up. It's like no matter how hard I try, or don't try, no matter what, it's always wrong. With school, with friends with family, with everyone. There's like a wall that I continuously run into. It's like the song... Can't go OVER it, Can't go UNDER it, Can't go THROUGH it, but I can't even go AROUND it. I just keep running into it headlong. And the more I try, the more it hurts. I run harder, I hit harder, I jump higher, I fall harder, I dig deeper... nothing. It's NEVER good enough. I found myself evaluating my friends the other day. I feel like I finally sorta found some good ones in HS, after a childhood of being the nerd, and now they're all gone away, and the new ones I've made, I can't ever decide whether to call them friends or just people looking for the title of friends... so they can add me to their list of people to call for a party when they need lots of people to show up, or for a ride someplace or whatever. Some are because of stuff I'm involved in, some are because of people I know/am attatched to... either way, The word FRIEND just doesn't have the MEANING and DEPTH that it used to in too many cases. It's depressing really. And the worst part is, I don't understand really. The same people that preach about "if you have a problem say it to my face" are the SAME ones that won't bother to tell me why I'm openly not welcome at stuff, or not invited to things that in August I was one of the first to know about, or one of the principle planners...nor can they be bothered to ask where I stand on stuff... assume sure does make an ass out of u and me. I guess I figure by not openly blatantly stating whatever without being asked I'm being all politically correct and not starting stuff... and if I do decide to speak up, that's misinterpreted to. go figure. I can't win for losin. I usally consider this "picking my battles" but I dunno...What else is new, I act like this isn't something I deal with over and over again. But I just keep comin back for more. Thinking if I try again, maybe something will change this time. How can a person be so optimistic and so pessimistic at the same time? People don't like me bitching, people don't like it when I'm happy, don't like the way I dress, the way I talk, the way I handle myself, the way I handle MY business. I think most of all I'm just so tired. Tired of everything. I don't want something to be wrong with me. I want to enjoy my college years like everyone else seems to. I want to make long lasting friendships and find someone worth spending the rest of my life with. I want to graduate from college with a degree I'm proud of achieving with a GPA worth having. I want to have a job that I LOVE to go to, that I don't feel like I get up in the morning and HAVE to go to work. I want to have children that I can raise well and LOVE, and they can grow up in a loving environment. I want to be a role model to my peers, and my kids someday. Most of all I think I want to be RESPECTED for who I AM now and for the rest of my life... not for what I'm not, but could be. Yes it's great to believe in someone and help them better themselves, but lets not beat a dead horse. I will NEVER be cool. I've said it over and over again, the dork in a person is what makes them unique, fun, INTERESTING. WHY DO WE BEAT EACH OTHER FOR THAT?? Why does it even matter what other people think? Ha. Well I suppose that question doesn't make sense in light of this whole rant does it? I obviously care too much what people think, and yet I don't. Yes I do. I don't care what they think, as long as it's correct. What gets me is people's misconceptions, or really even worse, when they don't think at all. Following can be a really crappy thing to do. For cryin out loud do your own thing, make up your OWN mind what you think about someone or something, be it politics, religion, people whatever. And let them make up their OWN mind about who they wanna be and what they wanna believe. If you don't like who they are then fine. Don't expect them to change. And by all means DON'T pretend you do like who they are. But at least respect them for knowing who they are and what they believe, that's a feat that in this day and age practically nobody can do.
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